you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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