those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
