how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
