I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
