I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
