DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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