She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
