I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
