please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
