woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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