My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
