How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
