The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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