I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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