pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
