dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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