Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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