What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
