the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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