Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
