I need to stop coming to work sober
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
