Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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