the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
