Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
