Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
