If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
