i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
smell my finger.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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