I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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