Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my being single is dangerous.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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