So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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