You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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