I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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