I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
