so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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