Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
