I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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