dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
