I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
