i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want her autograph on my taint
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
