k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
