Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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