I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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