even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
