Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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