There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
