He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
