I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
