no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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