Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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