A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
