I faked an abortion last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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