At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
